Update coming soon

Been a busy weekend. Episode 2 review should be up Wednesday night, after my Bio test Wednesday morning things slow down for a few days.

Episode 1: The Pain Begins

    Selected from thousands of applicants, these 12 were the ultimate losers. They now have to spend days locked up in the Playstation Loft with each other. 8-Bit Mickey, Big Fazeek, Boo, Ches-Ka, Fantasygirl, Gaymer, Max1m, Mo Chocolate, Samurai, Scooter, Tripplethreat, and War Princess, 12 video game nerds, 12 massive cases of Bromhidrosis (look it up). These 12 "lucky" folks will now be in competition with each other to see which 11 get to go home and move on with their lives, and who the big loser will be and get the $9 an hour job testing broken video games. 11 will be able to enjoy gaming for the rest of their lives, 1 will curse they day they sent in the video to get them into this competition. First person we meet is Big Fazeek. He claims to have spent over $1,000,000 on games and gaming in his life, and to have no social life or relationship because he spends all his time gaming. Taking a look at him, I would assume he spends more time eating. Scooter then tells us that gaming is what he loves to do, and that his hands were born to make the motion of a Sony Playstation controller. Wow, he's not even in front of a Sony employee, and he's already kissing ass. Ches-ka then claims she is one of the higher girl gamers she knows, currently a level 12 with over 1,000 trophies. Something tells me trophies aren't the only thing she whores for.
    Once they get to the loft, everyone seems way too happy to be in this prison. Tripplethreat then explains what went through her mind when she went into the loft, sadly, her stupidity left me brain dead, and I didn't understand a word she was saying except, "this, to gamers, is Utopia." Hey, Tripplethreat, just a word of advice, there are Nintendo and Microsoft fan boys out there that would consider that room what it really is; hell incarnate. Meredith then welcomes the 12 contestants to The Tester Season 2. Crap, I thought I was watching Survivor: Extreme BO edition. Oh well, onwards with this I guess. Meredith then welcomes 8-Bit Mickey who won the popular vote on The Tester's website and was voted on by the fans. With all his stress hives and acne, it's no wonder he came up with the name 8-Bit, since he looks pixilated. Mickey says how many people commented that they hope he gets knocked out in the first round, and guesses the pressure is on now. I'm assuming he wants to be knocked out in the first round since he didn't clarify what KIND of pressure.
    Meredith then explains that they will have to endure heartbreaking eliminations. One of them will have to deal with 8 heart breaking eliminations, since that person will not be eliminated, and be the ultimate loser. Wait, the winner gets a PS3 system? I thought all of these people HAD a PS3 since they want to be able to test the games before they come out. Wait! Someone call an ambulance! The black midget is having a heart attack! No, wait he appears to be happy since he is calling this paradise 100% and doing a seizure dance. He then tells us he can't believe he is there. Neither can I. I thought Gary Coleman died long before this started filming. I hope he does some of the songs from Avenue Q.
    Meredith tells the cast of outcasts that there will be the first challenge that day, and the happiness fades from the room faster than Big Fazeek hits up all you can eat buffets. Two people will be released from purgatory tonight as they are allowed to leave the loft. The all out nerdgasm when the players look around the loft and play with the various PS games and systems lying around proves that these 12 were the crème de le crap. Scooter, apparently never heard of a 3DTV as he keeps asking what it is while trying on the glasses.
    Then we meet Max1m, who says that living with a bunch of gamers is going to be like reliving his fraternity days. Yeah, no showering, and all trying to get in the pants of the few women that can stand to be around you. Sounds very fraternity like to me. "I'm the alpha male and the alpha dog. People look up to me, and people want to be like me, and people want to follow me." No Max1m, people just want to get away from you. Gaymer then calls Max1m a stereotype with the single most stereotypical gay voice I have ever heard, then calling him smarmy. Nope, not stereotypical at all. Samurai then talks about his voice acting, claims he can do Kratos, but I don't remember Kratos having such a noticeable lisp.
    Finally the email comes in saving us from character development. Fantasygirl reads the challenge that uses the word knowledge. Shortly after that word is said, the camera pans to War Princess who has a very nervous look on her face. Also with a nervous look is Boo, who claimed to be sick to her stomach. War Princess than explains that since it's a knowledge based challenge that she is screwed. I bet half the male audience of this episode then wished that it could be them that did it.
    Tripplethreat then shows her nerdocity when arriving in the Tester Lab as she fan girls out and bows to the guest panelist of the first episode, Stig Asmussen, director of God of War 3. Now comes the introduction of the panelists, Brent Gocke, Adrianne Curry, and today's special guest panelist, the aforementioned Stig Asmussen. All of the female contestants seem to have fan girl moments as Adrianne talks, and I think Webster came in his pants, as this is the closest he has ever come to an even semi attractive woman. The first challenge is a picture identification game, as small squares are uncovered from a larger picture and the contestants need to ID the image as soon as possible. As Meredith explains the knowledge that is needed for this type of challenge, and apparently the job of a Tester, War Princess is shown again with a very nervous look on her face, Max1m is shown with a drunken confidence looking face, almost looks like a rape face as he looks at Meredith as I am sure he looked at least one unlucky victim in college. Boo is shown with a slightly confused look on her face, and Big Fazeek is shown with a look of ambivalence on his face. Scooter is the first person to be allowed to make an ass out of himself. A picture of the season 1 loser, Cyrus, is being unveiled in front of him, and Scooter shouts out, "Me! Scooter!" Really? Why the hell would you be on a picture in this game?
        Scooter: Scooter, you're a bad ass!
        Me: No Scooter, you are a dumbass.
    After Scooter and Samurai, Big Fazeek takes his turn at the wheel. For someone who claims to have spent over a million dollars on games, he really seems to not know anything. 8-Bit IQ is up next and seems to go even slower than Fazeek. War Princess comes in looking nervous, and says that she is coming in with a lack of Playstation knowledge. She's moving slowly, and then stalls out more, passing on many different pictures. As she leaves the stage, Brent Gocke says that nerves got the better of her tonight. Gaymer walks onto the stage carrying something in his hand.
        Meredith: What's that in your hand Gaymer?
        Gaymer: I believe it's a Blade of Chaos. Kratos is awesome!
        Camera zooms to Stig Asmussen who has a look of "wow, could this guy be more of an ass kisser?"
    Gaymer goes on to spit out many wrong answers on pictures before getting the right one. After Gaymer is Gary Coleman's zombie who gets WAY too happy on the platform. Tripplethreat and Fantasygirl go with not much ado. Then Boo claims she thought she was going to pee her pants a little. Ches-ka speeds through the pictures. Then comes the smarmy douche bag Max1m. Who in his after game interview says, "I fear no man. I was kinda feeling like a professional assassin for the United States Government." Were you really? Fucking dumbass. If you were a professional assassin, I really doubt you would pass when the words HEAVY RAIN were completely visible on the screen. Also, if you are such a hardcore gamer as you claim to be, I think you would know who Sackboy is and what game he is from when you can see the words BIG PLANET. And when you can see the letters NCHARTED 2, you can probably assume that it is one of the biggest games on PS3, UNCHARTED 2. Adrianne then wonders why the cute ones are always so stupid.
    As the contestants talk about how they did, War Princess talks more about how nervous she was during the competition. One would almost think she has no Playstation knowledge. Finally the best part of the show, elimination time! The part of the show where this blog gets its name. Who will be the first to cry, who will be the first eliminated? Max1m claims he will not cry about it if he gets eliminated. Meredith then reveals that Ches-ka got the most images right, so she is forced to stay at least one more night, unable to go home and move on with her life. That means the other 11 players are still eligible to go home and leave this shit behind. Curry then says she hopes that a broad would come in and eliminate the sausage fest that is gaming. Brent then says the he expected everyone to do well today, seemingly unaware that he is taking part on the PSN show The Tester, and nothing goes the way you expect it to. Stig calls out Big Fazeek first, asking about his background in gaming. For the 5^th time in less than half an hour, Fazeek explains how he has spent more than $1,000,000 on games and gaming. Stig then wonders how someone with that much experience was so slow at naming the pictures. I'm sure that if it was pictures of food, Fazeek would have been a lot faster. Max1m is then called out about how confident he was, and why he passed so many times, even on ones that the name was fully visible. Max1m then says that he only plays sports and shooting games, and repeats it about 17 times in less than a minute, yet claims no one will make a better tester than him. Gocke then puts Max1m out of his misery, and allows him safe passage home.
    Now, still one more person to be eliminated. The panelists have narrowed it down to Boo and War Princess. Brent asks War Princess if she though it was just nerves up there tonight. Here is her answer in its entirety:

No, I I don't think it was nerves. I I didn't have the knowledge. I I really don't, I don't I don't want to lie to you and say like I know them and I just froze cause it, it wasn't that. I I knew coming into this competition that my biggest downfall was going to be that I don't own a PS3. And it's not that I'm not a fan of PS3. It's not that I'm not a hardcore gamer

    She says more after being interrupted by post elimination interviews of Big Fazeek. Who says that War Princess is too young and too immature. Adrianne Curry then had something to say to Boo. She says that Boo was way too slow, and that it was like a mind screw watching her look like she was going to say something, but then didn't. Once again, a great comment by the contestant, here it is its entirety. "Tests and me are the worst thing ever." Let me let Brent Gocke explain the obvious, "Boo, you mentioned testing is not your strong suit. This show is called the Tester. This whole competition would be a test." And with that, we bid Boo a fond farewell, as she is the second one eliminated tonight, and we have our first tears! YAY!
    Two people's game ended tonight. Ten people are still stuck in this competition with an unknown amount of time stuck in the hell that is The Tester!


    Next week on, The Tester! A trip to an Air Force base, and an argument in which War Princess calls Fazeek a "big [bleep] douche bag". Also next week, more tears!

An explaination

So I have read a few reviews online for season 2 of The Tester on PSN, and every single one of them is taking the show seriously. I don't see why, as the show is, at best, a great excuse to laugh at people who are bigger losers than yourself. So this blog is my way to spread the word of how horrible of a show this is. I mean, there are so many shitty "reality" shows on TV, and yet no network was willing to buy this pile of crap. Shouldn't that have been the first clue to Sony that maybe this wasn't the best idea? Networks that will show the worst shit they can throw together will not air this pile of crap. So, coming in the next few hours will be my review of the first episode of season 2 of The Tester. I just need to sit through it a second time and not gouge my eyes out with a rusty butter knife. I hope you all enjoy my reviews, and please comment on what you do or do not like about them. Here's hoping to multiple more seasons of The Tester for me to make fun of here on Ass Load Of Tears.